Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

It’s good to be back with you after several weeks of nonstop activity. Life has been forging full-speed ahead, with or without me, and it’s been a fun and eventful ride. 

With the onset of summer, I entered a new season of life that has brought many changes – some physical, some psychological, some a medley through whose ingredients I've yet to sort. It started with the birth of our first grandchild in early May, phased immediately to the 18th birthday and graduation of the youngest of our three children, and then transitioned to a milestone birthday just last week. (I’ll let you entertain your own theories on that one.) In the midst of all this, some new challenges have presented themselves, and some priorities have been realigned. My life has become a game of 52 pickup, except that it’s taking a while to get the cards off the floor. 

Just the other day, I was sharing all this and more with one of my dearest friends in the world, who immediately responded, “Oh my! Are you stressed? I would be so stressed!” And I was glad to be able to respond, in all honesty, that no, I wasn’t stressed. In such a time as this, it’s clear that the Lord, and not I, is in charge. And to be honest, experience has given me a certain giddiness in times of great upheaval. The pressure is off me; I can just sit back and watch Jesus work it all out.

I don’t think that’s the case with Martin. Martin lives on one of my walking routes, and he and his wife – like so many others – latched onto me because they loved my dog. But last night Martin was outside alone. Not only that, he looked alone – sad, dejected, broken. I stopped to talk with him, only to find out his wife abandoned her business and then abandoned him. His wife is gone, his dogs are gone; his house is empty, and his world is shattered.

Martin and his wife had shared with me a long time ago that they no longer had time (or made time, perhaps?) to attend church. I haven’t scratched deeply enough yet to find out if that’s only a symptom of a larger problem, the larger problem being a weak or even nonexistent relationship with Christ. Regardless, Martin is now falling without a net. My goal is to help Martin commit his life to Christ and find a Bible-believing church family to carry him through his pain.

Over the years, as I’ve watched people cycle through the stresses of change – because, let’s face it, all change equals stress – I’ve observed that their responses often come down to one thing: who they think Jesus is. I’ve said that a lot, and some of you may accuse me of being simplistic, but I can live with that. I cling to it. 

It’s like this: If you think Jesus is faithful and you trust in His goodness and grace, chances are life may occasionally throw you for a loop, but it won’t make you loopy. However, it can make you seem loopy to unknowing onlookers.

Take the time my childhood friend Barbara was visiting from across the country, and we went grocery shopping with a toddler and a preemie on a heart and lung monitor right before lunchtime. (That act alone exhibits lunacy.) And when we pulled into the garage, we couldn’t help but notice the 2 inches of water gushing from under the kitchen door.  The little ones were hungry, tired and screaming, and I started screaming too – but not in the way Barbara expected.

“Praise Jesus, I’m getting new flooring!” I shouted as I swam upstream into my living room.

“Are you crazy?” Barbara shouted incredulously, trying to find the water shutoff valve while I’m having my one-woman pool party.

Actually, I’m sure I did seem crazy. That week, on top of having company plus two children underfoot and one surgically attached to my hip, I was already planning and catering my husband’s 50-person surprise party. Add to that a steady stream of contractors, and I guess I qualified for a psych ward. But I would have gone praising Jesus.

My point is that we can handle the changes that come our way – good and bad (and I tend to see all things as good in the light of Romans 8:28) – in the light of our unchanging God. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever,” Hebrews 13:8 tells us. Today, in the midst of your hardship, He is equally loving, equally gracious, equally faithful, equally wise, equally sovereign, equally merciful, equally patient, equally strong and equally compassionate as He was on the very greatest day of your life. And whatever changes you’re going through will work for your good if you love Him and are called according to His purpose. He said it. It’s true. 

So I would encourage you, as you tremble against the chilling winds of change, to dare to set your feet on the edge of life’s cliff and enjoy the rush. I know I am. I’m not certain how all the changes in my life will shake out, but – in the words of one of my favorite bluegrass classics – I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand. And as long as He’s holding on, I’m not going to fall, no matter how fierce the wind. 

When It's Time to Detox

So far this year I’ve had to say goodbye to a friend (see Feb. 24 post) and now an uncle. Miss Pat and Uncle Don lived their lives to the fullest. Church will never be the same without seeing Miss Pat in the choir loft, and our family’s lives will never be the same without seeing Uncle Don at my aunt’s side.

It’s hard to say goodbye to loved ones who die. But it can be even harder to say goodbye to loved ones who are still alive. How do you grieve the loss of a dead relationship?

Somewhere along the way, most of us have had toxic relationships. They poison our attitudes, they poison our outlook, and they poison our trust. They leave us feeling confused, broken and drained. Sometimes they leave us exhausted from giving until we have nothing more to give. But the toxin can be hard to purge from your system. Sometimes the other member of the toxic relationship will make you feel dependent upon him or her, as if that person has taken the place of the Lord Himself in being your self-designated true north. Or, conversely, you may be the only Jesus that person may ever know, and stepping away may leave that person in total darkness.

Such was my plight. But to honor my loved one, and to honor my Lord, the kindest thing I could do was step away. I continue to reach out from a distance, and I continue to reach up in prayer. But the relationship cannot be repaired on my end. That was a painful reality to face.

Hebrews 12:14-15 offers some great advice about dealing with difficult relationships: “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and define many.” 

That bitter root can be the toxin of ungodly relationships. God’s word warns that that bitter root can cause trouble and defile many. In my case, I made the choice that the bitter root in my own life would not defile the many good relationships in which I have invested.

But what if your efforts to live at peace fail? What about that bitter root you feel taking hold in your own heart? How do you know when it’s time to step back from a relationship? Here are a few pointers from my own experience, none of which, it must be noted, apply to spouses or children:

• The relationship is perpetually lopsided, with one person doing all or most of the giving. The possible exception here is a mentoring relationship, but at some point you need to experience some reciprocity as a demonstration of developing maturity.
• The relationship is carnal. Typically we consider carnal relationships those that are based on worldly exploits, and that’s certainly true. But it’s possible to have a carnal relationship with a brother or sister in the Lord who, for whatever reason, brings out the carnal side of you instead of being iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:17). Two oversized egos can be just as lethal as two undersized ones. Those lacking self-esteem may seek to impress one another, rather than seeking validation in God’s sight. Focus on those relationships that build up and point upward.
• The relationship crowds out all others, including your relationship with the Lord or possibly your relationship with your spouse. Those are sacred relationships, so let none other encroach upon them, and always be open to new relationships the Lord may bring your way.
• The relationship cannot be trusted. Beware of betrayal, outbursts and negativity. 

Stepping back from toxic relationships doesn’t have to be the end. We have a mighty Advocate. As Isaiah 59:1 reminds us, “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor His ear too dull to hear.” I pray at least twice a week for my loved one. Regardless of whether we’re able to share the plan of salvation (Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23, Romans 10:13), God is able to save and able to heal. He is sovereign. He is compassionate. He is gracious. He is Jesus. And He is my antidote to the toxins of this world.